The Surge

There's another term I've learned from TikTok University.

It's a medical term colloquially known as The Surge.

Surge generally refers to "a sudden and powerful increase in something, such as energy, enthusiasm, activity, or a quantity of something."

But in the medical field, it describes a phenomenon where a patient who has been steadily declining experiences a sudden burst of energy just before "the tragic thing" happens—also known as terminal lucidity.

I’ve heard about this happening to some people in a literal sense, and I’ve experienced it myself—only in a figurative way.

nami nami - なみなみ （波波）

I remember one time, my student tried to describe my mood during a particular class.

"Nami nami," he said.

Nami in Japanese means waves. So, what he was basically trying to say was that my mood was swinging quickly at that time.

While the others seemed to have their waves flow like this.

Mine seems to flow like this.

Except that, it isn't my mood I'm talking about in this part.

I'm talking about the turns of events in my life.

Nami nami.

"Baka mausog"

"Baka ma-jinx"

"Baka ma-evil eye"

Common phrases that are being tossed around here and there by lots of people, including myself.

While those come off as superstition, I get where it's all coming from.

It stems from the observed pattern of the sudden unpleasant turn of events or misfortunes instantly following the pleasant ones, at times in some people's lives.

Pag nagkukuwento, pag madami na nakakaalam, or pag masyadong masaya, boogsh, 'usog', 'jinx', 'evil eye', pasok!

And just from my own life, I can recall multiple times with such sudden turns of events—those instances where some of the happiest days of my life were instantly followed by some boogsh—

"Binawi" (the good things)

"Na-Thanos" (iykyk)

"Universe's favourite human" (ill-intended)

Remarkable comments of some people regarding such events in my life.

Dagdagan ko pa kase ayokong nakukulangan kayo e—"na-Job (Biblical figure)".

My early 20's were filled with such events—from the series of push and pulls and plot twists in relationships, from the joy of spiritual awakening to eventually draining spiritual warfare, from the heartwarming last times and goodbyes to a heartbreaking coming home to some back-to-back unpleasant events, all the way from that certain year of finally coming out of my shell with a sudden burst of energy and enthusiasm only to eventually sink into the box of shame and relapse, and any other minor and more major kinds in between and afterward.

The thing about taking medications like antidepressants is that they might cause someone to suddenly become extremely energetic and enthusiastic. There’s a strong tendency for them to do something impulsive and even experience a relapse afterward.

Because that’s exactly what happened when I started taking medications again at the end of 2022.

And not that I asked for my medication dosage to be increased, but at that time, that’s what was prescribed for me.

I mean, at least for me.

If it worked perfectly well for others, then that's great for them.

Just when I thought 2022 marked the most 'sudden unpleasant turn of events' by far in my life, well, it was—until 2023.

It was the year I started by repeating a cycle in the worst way possible, making an impulsive choice that led me to completely vanish into thin air afterward—both out of shame and an aim to shut out whatever this whole 'usog,' 'jinx,' 'evil eye' thing is that I feel is constantly lurking, waiting for the right time to strike and sabotage my progress each time.

Because just before 2023 began, I was already doing well.

Except that, it was a sudden kind of "doing well."

The difference between progress in one's mental health—both in what I'd like to authentic and synthetic—is:

The Authentic Progress may be slow and gradual, but at least it doesn’t rely on substances.

The Synthetic Progress is instant, but it’s mainly caused by substances, such as meds.

And anything sudden or instant has always been sketchy and scary.

Which is exactly the reason why mental health experts strongly advise not suddenly discontinuing meds, as there should be a proper process of withdrawal from most of them.

Just as my progress seemed to be skyrocketing at the beginning of 2023, it quickly spiraled into impulsiveness, leading to a humbling outcome—thinking I was finally breaking the cycle of dysfunctional attachments, only to find myself repeating such pattern. Just when I thought my mental state was improving and I had finally learned my lessons, on top of such repeated cycle, I even abruptly stopped taking medications, which led to a relapse.

Relapsing in the previous years:

Relapsing in 2023:

Wala ng humor nagamit as coping mechanism that year, galit sa mundo nalang char, not char sa sarili ko.

The literal 'tragic thing' I meant, mentioned at the start, that typically follows The Surge, which I've heard about from some people, is actually—physical death.

And the figurative 'tragic thing' I have seen in myself is also some type of death—only mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Experiencing a constant pattern of sudden unpleasant turns of events right after some of the happiest days of my life, like being put at the highest peak only to fall afterwards, I guess it's safe and valid for me to say that I had developed some kind of anxiety—not only for feeling happiness, but even for as simple as feeling okay.

Every time I feel like the feeling of being okay is once again just around the corner, lurking quietly nearby, instead of feeling excited, I would, then, feel anxious.

Ano nanaman to, Catherine, ha?

Kung just another boogsh plot twist lang din naman ulit eh okay na akong dito nalang sa rock bottom, Bobbie.

Rock bottom.

This is one of the reasons I had found comfort in rock bottom.

The acceptance of losing everything and the freedom of knowing there's nothing to lose anymore was just so comforting.

While the rest of the world seemed to have kept grinding, surviving, and still participating in this whole game of life, I was down there, in that rock bottom, all free and chilling—no longer being concerned.

At that point, I became way much more comfortable, at peace, and home with the feeling of not being okay than feeling okay.

That's why, just as how the famous saying goes "it's okay to not be okay", every time I feel okay once again, the anxious voice in my head goes, "is it okay to be okay?" instead.

So, that's when I decided to just suddenly vanish into thin air and willingly stop living life as my old self.

"I would no longer lose anything if I didn't try to gain anything again in the first place."

"I would no longer be a subject for 'usog,' 'jinx,' or the 'evil eye' if it seemed like I wasn't living a good life in the first place."

"There would be no more sudden unpleasant turns of events in my life if there's nothing pleasant going on in the first place."

"There'd be no more plot twists if there's no more plot at all."

That seemed like an ultimate life hack for my case, except that, it's actually dangerous and deceiving.

Because good news—I was able to live an anxiety-free life.

But bad news—I was no longer a human, I was just some mere breathing rock or merely an NPC in this whole game of life.

Well, not everything that feels comforting and safe is a good thing.

The same way not everything that initially makes you feel anxious is a terrible thing.

Things are not always what they seem and life isn't always black and white.

It's a million shades of gray that if not proper discernment, sound thinking, and finding balance in everything are the ones used as the ultimate life hack, one would remain at the bottom—all safe and comforting, but ultimately stagnant.

"Hanggang when?

Hanggang when ako kasama sa enlistment ng strong warriors of the year Mo, Lord?

What if gusto kong maranasan maging softie princess naman?

What if lang po naman."

And I guess He did hear that.

Because that's what surprisingly and suddenly the beginning of year 2024 felt like for me.

If not for what I believe is God's grace, I don't know what else it could be, as I have never gone back to meds since. I wasn't even aiming for this other kind of surge, yet it suddenly came—Creative Surge.

As early as January of that year, one writing idea suddenly popped into my mind. I immediately put it into work, feeling fully inspired and immersed, and before I knew it, I had already written several pieces.

The ideas and everything all came flowing in naturally and effortlessly that I felt myself, once again, experiencing a flow state.

Experiencing it again after a long time is one thing, but experiencing it after a long period of feeling nothing due to depression is a whole different experience.

The thing is, writing isn't only a creative activity for me. It's also some sort of therapy.

In rumination, especially dark thoughts, they get scattered all over the place, only building a train of negative thoughts that leads to a more overwhelmed mind and a heavier heart.

In writing, they get to be arranged and articulated, showing me different pieces of the puzzle which enables me to connect the dots, gain much deeper insights, and basically make everything clearer and lighter for me.

So, through writing, I get to reflect retrospectively, introspectively, and extrospectively, sparking one idea after another.

And those ideas are what fueled my excitement on making plans once again, which I have somehow successfully brought to life, making that year, after all, still feel like a breakthrough.

So, beginning with a sudden Creative Surge, the year 2024 felt like He granted that request—to be just a softie princess, just that once.

Naranasan din.

But of course, only for a while.

There's this one concept my brother once told me—before God blesses you with something, He would put you in some sort of 'quarantine' which could either mean an isolation or some pruning, not as mere punishment but as preparation.

Well, even though I actively seek or eventually come to see the silver linings, I still sometimes find myself struggling to understand the purpose of certain things. However, as they say—through trials and adversities, God molds someone's character and equips them for His greater purpose.

In the same way, just as God uses different individuals or things as His instruments, the enemy's out there constantly lurking, also sending the same things but solely as his distractions to keep one away from God's purposes.

"Di ka tatargetin ng kalaban kung hindi nya alam na may magandang nakalaan sayo."

Another thing my brother has told me.

Because well, bursting my own bubble at sanay naman na ako dyan, the truth is—walang softie princess softie princess sa totoong walk of faith.

Because as Jesus clearly stated,

so,

and

So yun, warrior at warrior pa rin pala talaga bagsak ko.

Edi sge, softie warrior nalang.

Because in all seriousness, among all kinds of battle, one of the hardest ones is the battle in one own's mind.

As just as what another believer friend once told me,

While the enemy or clinical depression certainly had their time messing with my mind, thank God, I have Him for even though I find myself swinging between a childlike faith and doubt sometimes, deep down, I still believe that what the enemy meant for evil, He uses for good.

As just each of His warnings in the Scriptures mentioned above has been proven and tested true, so have His certain promises.

So given His promises, He, as well, asks me to—

because

and that

so,

And so, my waves began to flow like this.

But of course—not literally.

There are still and will always be huge waves, but this time, anchored into something that I believe is greater than the waves.

"There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,"

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

There's this another poetry written by a talented woman I know that I read and resonated with, early in the year 2024.

"The wait before sunrise is the darkest"

Just as the peaks before my falls seemed the highest, so too is the sunrise after the darkest the most beautiful.

And just how sudden the events unpleasantly turn for me at times, so does my other kind of 'suddenly'.

Suddenly, the tide changes.

Suddenly, the storm passes.

Suddenly, the clouds clear.

Suddenly, the winds shift.

Suddenly, it's my time.

Suddenly, it's my time to laugh.

Suddenly, it's my time to dance.

Suddenly, it's my time for a breakthrough.

And so, "that 'suddenly' came and that 'suddenly' was worth it".

Just as life suddenly pulls an uno reverse card on me at times,

it also gives a wild card.

From the bottom, life then, eventually brings me back to the peak, all over again.

For it is simply the inevitable way and cycle of life—the design of this whole game.

And who knows when would the wheel of fate decides to spin once again only to hand me another uno reverse card?

Because just as the uno reverse card's limited, so is the wild card.

The same way the storm doesn't last, so does the rainbow that comes after.

So, what does my whole anxiety basically do to my limited wild card aka fleeting chance to enjoy the peak or winning season?

It steals that chance.

It kills, steals, and destroys.

Anxiety does nothing but that.

The enemy does nothing but that.

"Pag nagkukuwento, pag madami na nakakaalam, or pag masyadong masaya, boogsh, 'usog', 'jinx', 'evil eye', pasok!"

Well, of all my uncertainties with God, if there's one thing He made me become sure of—no evil eye or any of such thing would work when it comes to His will.

He controls every single celestial object in the Universe, the same way He controls everything that happens in the lives of His people.

Every single thing—the good and even the bad, He allows to happen all in accordance to His will in one's life, to ever be completely sabotaged by the so-called evil eye.

That's why, fighting the anxious voice in my head, here I am back with my old self—living life as it comes and commemorating not only my wins but also my losses through this desire He has put in my heart, despite how this is somehow similar to pagkkuwento kung saan maraming makakaalam, and also even, pagiging masaya.

Because thinking about it—if I ever completely stop doing so, both with the wins and the losses, whether through writing or documenting, published or unpublished—then there'd be nothing to look back on when I'm feeling defeated again, to remind me that:

• At least it was great before the fall

• Those kinds of great things are what's once again waiting for me after just another fall

• Life's truly just one huge cycle of peaks and rock bottoms, wins and losses, and neither lasts forever

• All in accordance to His will, God does keep His promises

There's these two movies I watched also early in the year 2024.

True Spirit (2023)

I Love Lizzy (2023)

Looking back at the beginning of 2024 and how it was all wrapped up, I couldn't agree more with the insights these movies showed me that time.

Because now, without any antidepressants and the sudden relapses, after all the never-ending twists and turns of life, more than happiness and feeling okay, after so long, I am now able to once again allow myself to finally feel joy.

The sparkle in my eyes are back.

So, even in the smallest of the smallest wins—from "Binawi",

to "Nabawi";

from "Na-Thanos",

to "Na-Iron Man or na-Son of Man, rather";

from "Universe's favourite human",

to "His softie warrior";

rawr

from raging flows,

to Flow State;

from the tragic thing after The Surge,

to Creative Surge.

He has blessed me with health, prosperity, and family in various forms, much like He did for Jacob, as well as with trials and adversities to teach me how to navigate the waves—not to stop them but to learn how to ride them while staying anchored in Him.

So, to answer the question, "is it okay to be okay?"—

Certainly, beloved.

It's definitely okay to be okay.

What's not okay is to not allow oneself to feel it when it comes.

Because only two choices are there with that sudden feeling:

Matakot.

Sulitin—kahit natatakot.

Because the ultimate truth is—neither lasts.

Just as the season of being at the bottom, too, shall pass, so is the fleeting chance of being at the peak.

So instead of missing it by being afraid, choose to embrace it and feel the joy that comes with remembering the journey—both the wins and the losses.

Because figuratively, just there is The Surge, followed by the tragic thing, there's also this thing called The Comeback.

your still alive & kicking & comeback-ing softie warrior,

Jah

Nami (nami) なみ(なみ) 波(波) waves

Ikari いかり              錨              anchor

No, I haven’t at all yet, but perhaps that’s the goal.